On Twilight and love...now hear me out...

Okay…confession time.  I’ve read the Twilight series.  Multiple times.  And I’m doing it again.  Sort of.  

My wonderful husband, who knows me very well, got me the gift that keeps on giving this past Christmas…a subscription to Scribd.  It’s a website that provides access to books, both e-book and audio, for its subscribers for a small monthly fee.  I have the app on my phone and my Kindle.  It’s awesome.  And as a working mother, it’s pretty much the only way that I get any reading done anymore.  I love having access to thousands of audiobooks at any given time.  I use it so frequently that in the matter of a little over a month, I became one of their top tier subscribers and was asked to participate in beta testing the updated version of their site.  I didn’t participate because I’m busy.  That’s why I listen to audiobooks.  I didn’t want to go to the trouble of reporting back about my experience with the site.  But still…I felt kind of cool that I got asked.

Anyway…back to our feature presentation…the Twilight saga.  All those books at my disposal and I choose to listen to a YA series that I’ve already read, multiple times.  I know, I know, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  These books are literary donuts.  But if you know me, you know I love donuts.  So sue me.  Also, since it can sometimes be hard to concentrate on the story the whole time when you’re just listening, as opposed to actively reading, it’s nice to pick a story you’re already familiar with once in a while.  Kind of like putting on your favorite movie in the background while you fold laundry and clean the house.  You’ve seen it before, so you’re not lost if you have to step out of the room for a minute…you can still enjoy the story.

For the record, let me just put it out there that I hate the Twilight movies.  I watched them all just to see how the writers/directors/actors would translate the story to the screen.  I think they did a terrible job.  No offense to anyone who liked the movies, but I think they’re just awful.  The books, on the other hand, while not even close to highbrow, do admittedly still hold some appeal for me.  And I find myself wondering why.  There are many things about the story that I don’t really like.

For example, Edward, the supposed heart-throb hero of the story, holds absolutely no appeal for me.  Well, he’s polite…sometimes.  That’s nice, I suppose.  And he’s a talented pianist…which I guess is kind of sexy.  He wants to wait to have sex until he’s married…which appeals to my own personal code of morality.  But other than that?  Meh.  He’s moody, kind of controlling and condescending…oh…and he’s a vampire who is physically cold and hard like marble.  Yuck.  There is this scene that I listened to recently and it describes a kiss between Edward and Bella…it says something about how his tongue tracing around her lips felt as cold as ice.  Umm…what?  Is that a turn-on for some people?  I suppose it could be, so I shouldn’t judge, but me personally?  No thanks.

From the very first time I read the series, I was team Jacob.  What’s not to like about him?  He’s a mostly happy-go-lucky guy who would pretty much do anything for Bella.  Sure…he has some setbacks emotionally when he finds out he’s a werewolf and when he can’t get the girl he loves (because **spoiler alert** Bella ends up with Edward), but one can hardly blame him for that.  Aside from his preferable temperament, he actually runs a significantly higher body temperature than mere humans, which for me would be a major plus.  Who doesn’t want a man who can keep them warm? Plus, the book always describes him as Bella’s best friend.  So if there is this really great guy, who is your best friend, who is exceptionally attractive, and who also desperately wants to be with you…why would you choose an ice cold vampire, who is prone to treating you like a child?  It just never added up for me.  Maybe if the romance between Bella and Edward had been better developed, I would feel differently, but as it is, I was never sold on their eternal, indestructible love. 

So, why do I keep coming back to it?  Well, it’s hard to put my finger on it exactly.  I do enjoy the fantasy genre, but I’m not a huge fan of high fantasy.  I like my fantasy to be mixed in with life as I know it.  This series gives me a taste of the magical/supernatural without taking me so far outside the realm of my own personal experience that I lose the ability to relate with the characters and put myself in their shoes.

But most of all, I think I just like how it takes me back to a time in my life when things were simpler and love felt different.  Love is complicated and layered…and I think that the way you experience it changes over time.  I sometimes roll my eyes when I read about how quickly Bella is entranced by Edward and how quickly they become completely devoted to each other, but if I’m honest with myself, I can remember a time when love felt a lot like that to me.  I saw a boy at school.  I thought he was cool and cute.  Sometimes I’d notice that he was looking at me and it made my pulse race a little bit.  And then we started dating, and within a matter of months, I was convinced the we’d get married and live happily ever after.  I was in love, man.  And I was surging with hormones.  I didn’t have any bills to pay or mouths to feed – none  of the stress of adulthood – but life was dramatic.  High highs and low lows.  Love was passion or despair, depending on the day.  Wonderful and awful at the same time…much the way it is described in these books.

It wasn’t perfect, but man, it was exciting!  There was so much you didn’t know about each other.  So much to discover.  Did a boy ever make you a mix tape of new music for you to listen to?  Or take you to a place you’d never been before, just because he liked it and was excited to show it to you?  I think that’s what we don’t get as much of as we grow older and take on more responsibilities.  As we reveal more and more of ourselves to our partner, the mystery starts to disappear. 

At this point, my husband probably knows much more about me than he ever thought he’d want to when we first started hanging out.  At the beginning of our relationship he learned the good things…the cute, quirky, endearing things about me that set me apart from other girls in his mind.  But by now he knows a LOT more.  And let me tell you, not all of it is good.  He’s seen me tired, cranky, mad, sad, in pain, in LABOR.  He’s seen how fast I can inhale a gigantic Chipotle burrito…guys, it’s not attractive.  He’s seen me when I’m being unreasonable, unfair, unloving.  He’s seen me when I’m being judgmental and unforgiving.  He’s smelled my breath in the morning before I brush my teeth, and seen me when I haven’t showered or changed out of my pajamas for several days.  And he still loves me.  Crazy, right?

So, yeah…I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes miss the passion and excitement of young love…the romance.  Not that I’ve abandoned or given up on romance completely, but I miss all that free time we used to have to express our love to each other in new and unique ways.  I miss when date night was like every night of the week, and I learned something new about him every day.  I miss the rushing pulse.  But I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything.  Passion is great, but it’s cheap.  I can vicariously experience that drama that I sometimes miss by listening to a story about a love triangle between a few supernatural teenagers (Oooo…that makes me sound really creepy, doesn’t it?  Now you know.  Total creeper.).  It reminds me of what I had then, which was great…and helps me appreciate what I have now…which is even better!